I just threw up on my dentist
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
