tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
