I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
