I'm lost and stupid without you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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