If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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