Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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