Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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