I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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