Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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