We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
