Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
