I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
