He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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