Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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