I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
