I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize