You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You're a disaster
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