I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
