I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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