I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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