YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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