oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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