he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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