they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
