Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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