Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
