My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
that is very illegal...i love you.
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