The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
