As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
