I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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