Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
