Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
