I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
