Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
