you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
