the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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