Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
