You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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