upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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