I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize