I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
