I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
