hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
