we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
