It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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