So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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