Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am midnight drunk by noon
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
