If that was your dad, he is hot
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
