My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
