I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
