im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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