My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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