My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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