I love black thongs
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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