I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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