I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
