I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
