tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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