dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
