I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
