one might say we're banned from that church
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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