I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
