You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
