trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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