textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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